Nice to Meet You

Meet Emily. or Nika (as I call her).

Emily and I (August)

 I love this girl. Seriously. She came into my life in June of 2010 when I first arrived at camp for Advance Crew. Some of the Summer Staff came early to help set up for camp, and Emily (Nika) was among those people.

Zucchini, Squeamish, Nutella, Nala, Nika, Sora, Bo Peap, JoJo

I remember the moment I met her. I walked into the Gal Corral and saw her sitting on her bed setting up her bunk. I nervously wandered around trying to pick which bed would be mine. I finally settled on one (but I did move around a few more times) and I started to unpack. Emily knew so much about camp. She really impressed me and she answered all my questions. When we started doing some work, I got paired up with her, Danielle (Squeamish), and Heather (Maybe) to do some painting. I was so excited to be doing something crafty. This is when our obsession with doing crafts together began. Countless times we get together to do cooking, baking, thrift shopping, crafting, and of course, some good old fashioned girl talk.

Nika, Squeamish, and I



Emily, Danielle, and I (from March)

I am so thankful that Emily is in my life. She has a closeness with the Lord so I know when I ask for her advice that she is prayerfully considering what she is saying to me. I know that when she says she is praying for me that she means it. I can always count on her for encouragement, a listening ear, and for support. I can trust her Godly counsel. I can trust her loving discipline.
"A friend loves at all times..." Psalm 17:17
I appreciate that Emily has been one of these friends to me, especially lately. It is so hard for us to be so far apart from each other. For a while, Emily was in Portland and I was in Salem. Then I moved to Corvallis. Now Emily is in Bend and I'm in Corvallis. But our friendship is important so we each make an effort to talk and speak into each other's lives. Emily, I thank the Lord for you. I am so glad you are in my life.

P.S. We need more pictures.

Didn't I, my dear?

"It was not your fault, but mine, and it was your heart on the line, I really fucked it up this time, didn't I my dear?" -Little Lion Man by Mumford and Sons

There are moments in life where you would do anything to change what has become. There are moments where you wish you could change your current situation. There are moments where you'd give anything to know you'll be forgiven for making a huge mistake.

I feel so strongly the weight of what I've done. I feel so strongly the fear that you'll never speak to me again. I feel so strongly that I will never be forgiven. 

This last weekend one of my best friends, Max (also known as Beef) came to visit me.

 

We go way back to high school where we went to camp together. Then, in 2010, we ended up working at Canby Grove together.  Max visited to go to an OSU game with me. When we were getting his ticket for the game, we were approached by the Channel 9 news lady and we ended up being on the news that night!

Watch us on the news

We had a blast at the game, even though OSU had a disappointing loss in overtime. I LOVE FOOTBALL! Max and I had a great weekend. I didn't take any pictures on my camera, but my friends did, and I've yet to gather the pics from them. On Sunday, Max and I headed north and visited some camp friends as well as camp. It was a great visit and I really enjoyed seeing camp. It is one of those places where I found myself and it will always be a comforting place for me to be. We ended the weekend playing a round of Ticket to Ride (an awesomely fun game!). I love people from camp. I love good friends. I love football.

Restless for where I belong

Living in the Northwest sometimes gets to me. I love it, but sometimes the weather makes me have "ehh" moods. Since I've been back, I've been in a funk. Today it is actually sunny, so I fully intend to get outside and enjoy some Vitamin D.

A song I've heard a million times before spoke to me today. Isn't that just always how it works?

Safe by Phil Wickham

To the one who's dreams are falling all apart
And all you're left with is a tired and broken heart
I can tell by your eyes you think your on your own
but you're not all alone

Have you heard of the One who can calm the raging seas
Give sight to the blind, pull the lame up to their feet
With a love so strong he'll never let you go
oh you're not alone

You will be safe in His arms
You will be safe in His arms
'Cause the hands that hold the world are holding your heart
This is the promise He made
He will be with You always
When everything is falling apart
You will be safe in His arms

Did you know that the voice that brings the dead to life
Is the very same voice that calls you to rise
So hear Him now He's calling you home
You will never be alone

These are the hands that built the mountains
the hands that calm the seas
These are the arms that hold the heavens
they are holding you and me

These are hands that healed the leper
Pulled the lame up to their feet
These are the arms that were nailed to a cross
to break our chains and set us free

 How incredibly beautiful is this? We are not alone. Even when we feel completely alone, we are NOT. God calms raging seas and heals blind so they can see, this is amazing! This song is so comforting to me. 

The other comfort I had today was a line in Heaven Song, also by Phil Wickham.

"My soul is getting restless for the place where I belong. I can't wait to join the angels and sing my heaven song."

Lately, I've really tried to find a place where I feel comfortable. I feel like I've been searching. I am trying to find something useful to do with my summer. It kills me not to be able to work at a camp this summer, especially Canby Grove. A  year ago today, I walked onto camp grounds for the first time. I was scared, nervous, and really excited. I didn't know how much my life was going to change. And it did.

I met the love of my life at that camp. I brought kids to Christ for the first time. I enjoyed true and beautiful community with the staff who became my family. I did things to get me outside my shell that I would NEVER have done. I wore chacos. I used duct tape. I sat in a dunk tank and got dunked, again and again. I lead activities. I swam every single day (no matter how cold it was). I chewed up M&Ms and spit them out at campers. I tubed down a river...with a tube and without one. I saw the love of God first hand touch people. I used a ho. I got blisters on my hands. I sang silly camp songs. I laughed. I grew. I blossomed. I found true joy. I appreciated beauty. I danced. I was in skits. I screamed my heart out. I raced kids in bounce houses. I blew bubbles. I caught bubbles. I had many smores, sandwiches, air heads, pizza, and apples. I cried. I was frustrated. I leaned on God. I trusted God. I had difficult campers. I had amazing campers. I worked very closely with hay and had an allergic reaction to it. I worshiped. I built a sling shot course. I had zillions of ants attack. I got called Nala. And sometimes Goldielocks. I slept outside without a tent. I put oatmeal in my hair, paint all over my body, and whipped cream and Cheetos on my face. I dug in the dirt. I enjoyed digging in the dirt. I caught a fish. I gave kids bait. I shot a gun. I watched the stars. I woke up at 5 in the morning, everyday. I had sleepless nights. I had great conversations. Sonic runs. Sunflower seeds. I had the time of my life. 

I belong in ministry. I thrive in ministry.

When you find an old letter...

Today, I was looking through some old stuff. I found a letter I wrote to myself on June 17, 2010 at the beginning of my summer at Canby Grove. All the staff did this cuz it was an activity, and we got our letters to ourselves mid summer. Here is my letter:

"Just had a word activity and picked JOY. Sarah, joy can be a struggle for you. Remember, the joy of the Lord is your STRENGTH. With His strength, you are capable to do this. 

You have a passion for life, camp, and people. Remember the times of camp you have experienced. Incredible, right? You have dreamed of this experience- and now you are here. You are living your dream. God has called you to this position. He has equipped you to do so. he will work IN you, THROUGH, you, and INSPITE of you. God is still in control and sovereign. 

             You are my joy by David Crowder Band 'I cannot hold it in and remain composed, love has       oven taken me, so I purpose: I am letting myself go. You are my joy, you are my joy, you are my joy.' 

 Your passion, experiences and who God has made you to be make you the one one able to be Sarah. Only YOU. And you are the only one successful at being you.

God's purposes and love are bigger than anything you may be feeling. 

Go to the word. Don't delay. Go."

Finding this letter was extremely encouraging. It reminds me of the wonderful time I had that summer. It reminds me of my love for the Lord and my solid relationship with him that I sometimes doubt. It reminds me that my pain is okay. God just wants me. He doesn't need me to be whole, because he takes care of making me whole.

Psalm 94: 19, "when doubts will my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer"

I want that place

You know that place where you feel the most clarity and at peace more than anywhere? I want more than anything to go to that place right now. 

That place is somewhere I've only known about for a year or so. But my heart got so connected to it and now I wish more than anything to be there. They should be having camp starting in a month. They should be getting ready for another summer of ministry, campers, and staff. 

 I would drive there, but now, it is private property and you can't really just show up without some sort of legal issue. I want to just sit on this field. I want to scream as loud as I possibly can.

 I want to sit by the fire pit. I want to dance and sing crazy camp songs. I want to do skits. I want to teach about Jesus.

I want to sleep in the gal carrel, surrounded by wonderful women.

I want to walk up the stairs to the staff lounge, enjoy the air conditioning and laugh at whatever idiotic thing is going on in there.

I want to walk these trails singing and hearing echos of repeating songs. I want to hear the sounds of slingshots, archery, and games on the field.

I want to be there. I want to be called Nala. I want to do summer ministry. I want to be at a camp.

These people are my family.

You are now known as....

NALA 

 

 Me, two of my campers, and Danielle (Squeamish)

I remember when I was first given the name Nala. I took the longest to name out of the whole staff. The staff shouted out name after name for me, but none of them felt like me, until Nala. I have always loved the Lion King and when I was a little girl, I named one of my dolls Nala. I knew it was going to be my name. I loved it.

For the rest of summer 2010, I was Nala. And I was so happy about it. I never knew that name would grow to be something I identified with. During the summer I spent at Canby Grove, I felt incredibly alive. I had dreamed of being a camp counselor for as long as I can remember. And I was living my dream, finally. I had applied for years to work as one, and I had finally been selected. 

My relationship with God was the best it has ever been. I was consistent in spending time with God daily and I was experiencing real Joy. For the summer, the staff each picked a word that we felt was something to lay down to God and to be this summer. I picked joy. I naturally struggle with being a happy person and so experiencing true joy was amazing.

As the summer went on, I was amazed at how God was using me. I was embracing and enjoying how the staff was bonding and how close we all were. It is rare for me to feel so accepted and loved in a community, but I did. 

The name Nala brings joy to my heart. I associate the name with a time of my life where I was me. I wasn't hiding or running. I was simply ME. There's nothing more beautiful than diligently following God and being content with the person he created you to be.

source

Let's make things

So this weekend I got to enjoy several thrift shopping trips with Danielle, and then Emily. Then the three of us headed to Coldwater Creek Spa in Bridgeport, Oregon. It was absolutely wonderful!

Here is a picture of us at camp: Emily(Nika), Danielle(Squeamish), and I(Nala)

These girls are probably my closest friends from camp and it was so good to see them and spend time with them again! 

Here's us at Coldwater Creek Spa, oddly in the exact same order 

We got absolutely amazing pedicures. It was the most amazing pedicure I've ever had in my life! I got offered all sorts of goodies, tea and water. The girl who did my toes was so kind and gentle. The best part? There was no awkward "you're doing my toes, so I guess I'll talk to you" conversation. Do you know why? Because they covered me in warm sheets, aroma therapy, and put a nice heavy thing over my eyes. I got to recline in my chair and when I woke up, my toes were pretty and soft. Normally, I'm pretty ticklish and sensitive to pedicures, but I honestly didn't feel a thing. I was so completely relaxed. It was the best pedicure I've ever had! And when it was over, I got to wait for my feet to dry in a soothing "resting room." And I found wedding and Rachael Ray magazines to enjoy while I waited. The only thing that was constantly making me giggle to myself (and I found out I wasn't the only one) was the music. It was this strange chanting and I kept smiling to myself about it. 

On Saturday night, the three of us blasted some Beiber fever (among much more just-have-to-dance music) and drove around  to get some Peach Wave Fro-Yo (a Canby Grove Camp tradition) before dropping Danielle off. I'm pretty sure we belted our little hearts out. Emily and I got to spend the night together. We stayed up late (during daylight savings, ah what were we thinking?!) and did crafts. One of my favorite things, ever! We put on some soothing music, chatted, and mod-podged  coasters. Brilliant idea courtesy of Emily.

Here's the finish product(for some reason blogspot rotates them when I upload):

The first two were made by me, and the last 3 were made by Emily

 

 

Aren't these totally cute and a creative idea? 

Fearless

JUMP IN

  

 Molly and I

 Me (middle) and my 10 campers, whew!

Bo Peap and a few of her campers

Sunset, Sunrise

I was driving last weekend up to Portland and I saw a beautiful sunset behind me in my rear view mirror. Immediately, my thoughts went to thinking about a rear view mirror and how things behind me are in the past. It caused me to think about what is in my past, why it is in my past, and to leave it there. 

So, Corban. Some of you may know I went to Corban University for 2 and a half years. while in my 3rd year, I realized that it was not where God wanted me to be anymore. I left somewhat suddenly and without much explanation, until now. So why did I leave? That question must remain unanswered, somewhat.

Corban is in my past. Canby Grove is in my past. I think I spend so much time reminiscing, enjoying in my mind what was, instead of what IS. There are parts of my life I miss desperately. Things I feel I could have done differently. Or people I wish things were different with. But the reality is, things are only what I make them. With everything that happened at Corban and with my friends at Corban, it is finished. That is just the way it is. A few still talk to me now and then, but friendship is often because people are in the same place, on the same journey, at the same time. Now I am onto something new. 

I have this fresh start here at OSU, and it seems like not much has come of it yet. I still haven't found where I belong in this big school. I haven't found a group of friends. I haven't found a home. But the key word is yet. Just because I don't have those things yet and my prayers remain unanswered, it doesn't mean that God doesn't care or that he isn't sovereign. Because he is, and he will always be. 

As I was continuing my drive up to Portland, I looked forward. There was a beautiful shy in front of me as well. It reminded me to stop looking back (although when driving, it is safe to continue to do so!) and to look forward to the future that God has for me. 

My sunrise is coming.   

"Do not be hard on yourself about things you cannot change. The past is past and it's time to move on."

(From my God wants You to know on facebook)

Take what's left of me

In Summer 2010, I experienced what could only be described as a dream come true. To be back in that place as it was then in Summer 2010 would be impossible. Why is it that in a moment you are just wanting to get through it, and after the moment is over you just want to relive it? That is how I feel about Summer 2010.

I spent Summer 2010 working at Canby Grove Conference Center in Canby, Oregon. I was living my dream as a camp counselor. I never believed in my heart of hearts that I would ever be a counselor. I never thought I was good enough. But for this summer, God hand picked me to be a counselor and to live my dream. And now that my dream has been lived and summer has gone, I feel somewhat lost. Partly due to the fact that Canby Grove has closed its doors. There were rumors of re-opening or possible buyers, but nothing has come through, and Canby Grove remains closed.

I remember when I first arrived at Canby Grove. I was a mix of nervousness, anxiety, and excitement. I had no idea how much my life was going to change and how much God was going to show up. I picked my bunk bed-this was my home for the next 2 and half months. If you know me, picking my bed was an all too difficult task. I kept changing my mind. I finally settled on the shortest bed in the bunkhouse (Gal Carral)-which I guess fits because I was also the shortest girl, or gal.

I was at camp early for Advanced Crew. And boy, did God teach me lessons that week. Oregon doesn't really turn into summer into mid June or July. This year was an especially wet year. Needless to say, camp was moist, muddy, and anything but what I had expected. Canby Grove is an outdoor camp. I am not the most outdoor girl out there, to say the least.

These girls living around me would grow to become my friends, my family even. Who knew? I miss camp. I miss this summer. I miss the community, the growth, the campers, the songs. Everything. The list of what I miss could go on and on. What I miss most? Me. God revealed me to myself this summer at camp in a way I have never experienced before. The walls I had built up began to crumble down, the hurts deep within my heart began to heal, and most of all, I began to really love myself for who God created me to be. I grew to be a leader. I had always dreamed of being a leader-but my fears and insecurities kept me from embracing that.

My heart longs to be back in this place. To feel what I felt, so smell what I smelt, and to view the views I viewed. I long to be surrounded by the Summer 2010 Stuff. These people will never know what a crucial part of my journey they have become.

One of my favorite movies ever is Titanic. In the end of the movie, Rose is talking about Jack and she says, "A woman's heart is an ocean full of secrets. But now you know there was a man named Jack Dawson, and that he saved me, in every way a person can be saved. I don't even have a picture of him...He exists now only in my memory."
This is how I feel about Canby Grove. God found me and saved me in every possible way I could be saved that summer. And sadly, it exists only in my memory.

Canby Grove Summer 2010-you changed my life. 

The Glorious Unseen-Take What's Left of Me
When my hope is gone, how can I carry on?
If my faith is strong, will you be the truth I’m hanging on?
Will you be my eyes when I cannot see?
Will you be my voice when I cannot speak?
Will you be my hands where I cannot reach?
Father, take what’s left of me.
If I fall away, will you come rescue me?
In my broken state, will you be a light to guide my way?
Will you take me back to that place again?
Where I know my savior as my friend - where you show me grace that has no end - where I come alive within your plan.
Will you take me there?
Will you be my eyes when I cannot see?
Will you be my voice when I cannot speak?
Will you be my hands where I cannot reach?
Father, take what’s left of me.