November 29, 2011


I love music. It is so beautiful and it has the power to speak beautifully to life: the joys, the trials, the excitements, everything. 
 My new obsession: Matt Hammitt 
Seriously, so good. His song, "All of Me" has been on the radio a lot, so I searched him on Itunes. Then I found a playlist on youtube. I am IN LOVE. Seriously. These songs speak to my heart so much.

When I'm at the end of my rope and I feel despair, God reaches in, pulls me out, and reminds me of His goodness and love for me. Beautiful. I don't deserve this love, yet it is given to me every. single. day. Comfort at it's finest from my Father.

November 10, 2011

Penn State Forever

Old Main on Penn State University Campus
I was born in State College, PA. Home of Pennsylvania State Univeristy. This place is my home. I cannot even describe the influence this place has had on me and my family. It has been and always will be a very special place for us. Until recently, this place had a clean name, a spotless reputation, and a loving community.
My Family: Dan, me, my Mom, Dad, and Stasia in front At Penn State in 2007 for homecoming
I want to say, first of all, I do not support the actions of Sandusky, or those who knew of the abuse and the way actions were taken by those involved. I believe abuse is wrong and I do not support the way this situation was handled. My prayers and thoughts go out to those who were affect by this abuse. However, I cannot deny my love, support, and appreciation for Penn State, Joe Paterno, and everything this school stands for and is.

I do not feel Joe Paterno should end his legacy at Penn State in this way. I believe it is dishonoring and tarnishes his great name and all the accplishments he has done for Penn State and the community. I understand that precauctions need to be taken, but this happend 15 years ago. Punishing someone for something that happened so long ago that was mostly out of their control seems unfair to me.

This story hits very close to home and is very upsetting to me. I have difficulty even finding the right words to express how I feel. When I heard about this scandal, I was embarassed. I was sad that something so awful could come out of such an amazing place. It shows me once again the world is just the world, and it is not my home. When I heard Joe Paterno was being pulled into this, I was mad. I didn't feel like his name should be dragged through the mud. Then when I heard that Joe Paterno had put in his resignation, I cried. Literally, burst into tears. I called my mom. There was no explination, except I was mourning one of the greatest men ever to coach football. I felt like my world has been shattered and someone had died. Of course, no one has died, but it was still a painful experience for me. I cannot imagine Penn State without JoPa. This morning, I found out Joe was fired. He will not be finishing the season. I looked up what news I could find before going to class, and I found out there are all sorts of protests going on around State College. This situation is turning into chaos.

"Out of Chaos, life is being found in you"-Beautiful Things by Gungor

I am praying for every single person involved in this situation. I can only imagine if this is affecting me this way, how it must be affecting others. Here is what I ask: think before you speak about what is going on at Penn State. This place means the world to many many people.

Penn State Fight Song: Fight on State
Fight on State (GO!)
Fight on State (GO!)
Strike your gait and win, (LET’S GO STATE!)
Victory we predict for thee
We’re ever true to you, dear old White and Blue.
Onward State, (GO!)
Onward State, (GO!)
Roar, Lions, roar: (LET’S GO STATE!)
We’ll hit that line, roll up the score,
Fight on to victory ever more,
Fight on, on, on, on, on, Fight on, on, Penn State! (S-T-A-T-E GO! STATE!)

Despite this situation, Penn State will fight on. 

November 9, 2011

Overflow of pen to paper and a dapple of truth

I used to be really awkward. Okay, who am I kidding? I never grew out of that. When I was in Junior High or early high school years (it has all kind of blurred together now), I wrote a lot. And I mean a lot. Journals and journals full of poems, song lyrics, etc etc. I even was in a girl band for a little while. And I thought I was pretty fly. I loved to write. It was the way I vented.
As I've gotten older, I've found new releases. Cooking, crafting, shopping. More adult things, I guess. But last night while listening to Lady Antebellum (my new favorite), I was given a burst to write again. And I did. I wrote a poem that I am actually very proud of. It is called Not This Way. It's a story written in very short lines about losing someone in a way you never imagined it would happen.

So, in light of this post, here is my truth. I'm single. I have been for a little while now. I did something incredably awful and lost the love of my life. Don't feel sorry for me, I don't want pitty. I take full responsibility for what I did. This whole experience has really opened my eyes. I have not been living the way I want to. I have not been a good person. I've contacted person after person I feel deserves apologies from me. Some were recieved, some not even answered. I'm okay with that.

God is convicting me, growing me, and changing me. And despite what I have lost in this life, I know my reward will be in Heaven. I know my Savior went to the pits of the earth to save my soul. I know everything I have lost in this life is really a gain for Christ. I believe God is good despite where I stand. I believe God is for my good and will fight for me. The Psalms are beautiful. And they reflect my heart and desire to fully follow the Lord. Everything else is meaningless to me.

November 8, 2011

The times they are a'changing

About a year ago, I found myself moved back into my parents house in California. I had felt like a failure. I left school. I was a drop out. I was pretty much at bottom and I had no where to go but up. My dad kept bring up Oregon State. I liked the idea of returning to the Northwest, the place I now recognized as home. And Corvallis was merely 40 minutes away from where I previously attended school. Attending a state school however, I was not sure I wanted to sign myself up for that.

 I looked online and found out an OSU admissions counselor was in the bay area, less than a hour from where I lived. I hoped in the car with my mom and went to the meeting. The more I heard, the more I fell in love. But as I fell in love, the fears, the what-ifs, the questions filled my mind. I applied to OSU and was accepted. That was it. I was going to a state school, in a matter of months, or so I thought.
 Mid December, I decided to start school in January. I quickly got classes, found a place to live, and put together one small detail after another. Christmas came, and then I packed up my car and made the familiar drive north to Oregon. 
Transferring to OSU was like going from a fishbowl to an ocean. And I loved everything about it. Suddenly the world was mine. I was surrounded by new opportunities, different perspectives, so many differently types of people and activities.  Since coming here, I've tried kayaking, feminist protests, country line dancing, going to a bar, campus activism, a real house party, huge college groups, mudding, and so many more things that I can't think of right now.

Lately, I am amazed at the way things change. Just a year ago, I was in such a different place. Close with different people. Eating different food. One of the biggest changes I am grateful for is no longer living in fear. When I first left Corban, I had no idea what to do. I could have very-well bummed around, but my parents stood by my side and made sure I did not do that. I very quickly got back on my feet. It took about a year to stop living in those fears, but I am so thankful I have given control to the One who deserves to take the wheel in the first place.

November 1, 2011

The calm of the Storm

This morning I was very frazzled. I woke up at 10:45 with my friend Janae for our 11 am midterm. We frantically gathered some stuff, brushed our teeth, threw our hair into some ponies and jumped in th car. We got to campus, and threw some quarters in the meter and ran to class. Yes, with shame, we were those people running to class.
We got in the 400 student class, walked to the front, got our scan-trons, found a seat and started the exam. Relief. We made it.

After finishing my exam, I walked back to my car. I had some time to kill before I had to pick Janae up, so I decided to read my bible and pray a bit. I read some of Ephesians, Philippians, and Psalms. Psalm 107 stuck out to me the most, so I wanted to share it with you as it calmed my soul and set me back on my foundation.

Psalm 107

  Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good;
   his love endures forever.
  Let the redeemed of the LORD tell their story—
   those he redeemed from the hand of the foe,
those he gathered from the lands,
   from east and west, from north and south.
  Some wandered in desert wastelands,
   finding no way to a city where they could settle.
They were hungry and thirsty,
   and their lives ebbed away.
Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble,
   and he delivered them from their distress.
 He led them by a straight way
   to a city where they could settle.
 Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love
   and his wonderful deeds for mankind,
for he satisfies the thirsty
   and fills the hungry with good things.
  Some sat in darkness, in utter darkness,
   prisoners suffering in iron chains,
because they rebelled against God’s commands 
and despised the plans of the Most High.
 So he subjected them to bitter labor;
   they stumbled, and there was no one to help.
 Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble, 
and he saved them from their distress.
He brought them out of darkness, the utter darkness, 
and broke away their chains.
 Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love
   and his wonderful deeds for mankind,
for he breaks down gates of bronze
 and cuts through bars of iron
 Some became fools through their rebellious ways
   and suffered affliction because of their iniquities.  
They loathed all food
   and drew near the gates of death.
 Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble,
   and he saved them from their distress
 He sent out his word and healed them;
   he rescued them from the grave.
 Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love
   and his wonderful deeds for mankind.
 Let them sacrifice thank offerings
   and tell of his works with songs of joy.
  Some went out on the sea in ships;
   they were merchants on the mighty waters.
 They saw the works of the LORD,
   his wonderful deeds in the deep.
For he spoke and stirred up a tempest
   that lifted high the waves.
 They mounted up to the heavens and went down to the depths;
   in their peril their courage melted away.
 They reeled and staggered like drunkards;
   they were at their wits’ end.
 Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble,
   and he brought them out of their distress
He stilled the storm to a whisper;
   the waves of the sea were hushed.
They were glad when it grew calm,
   and he guided them to their desired haven.

 Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love
   and his wonderful deeds for mankind.
Let them exalt him in the assembly of the people
   and praise him in the council of the elders.
  He turned rivers into a desert,
   flowing springs into thirsty ground,
and fruitful land into a salt waste,
   because of the wickedness of those who lived there.
 He turned the desert into pools of water
   and the parched ground into flowing springs;
there he brought the hungry to live,
   and they founded a city where they could settle.
They sowed fields and planted vineyards
   that yielded a fruitful harvest;
 he blessed them, and their numbers greatly increased,
   and he did not let their herds diminish.
  Then their numbers decreased, and they were humbled
   by oppression, calamity and sorrow;
 he who pours contempt on nobles
   made them wander in a trackless waste.
 But he lifted the needy out of their affliction
   and increased their families like flocks.
 The upright see and rejoice,
   but all the wicked shut their mouths.
  Let the one who is wise heed these things
   and ponder the loving deeds of the LORD. 

The biggest thing that sticks out to me in this chapter is how it shows when we wander away from God, we are in pain, darkness, and despair, but when we return to him, he forgives us, and makes us new over and over and over again. It says repeatedly "they cried out to the Lord, and he saved them from their distress." This is something I have recently felt the weight of and relief from in my own life. Since I left Corban, I have lived my life in fear of what could happen to me. I stopped trusting my Creator to take care of me and I became so fearfully that I shriveled up like a raisin. I got to a point where I became okay with my sin and I let it rule me. When I hit bottom, I cried out to God, and He came to my rescue, just like this passage explains. 

God seriously amazes me so much right now. I serve a mighty, powerful, and loving Creator who would go to the ends of the earth just to search my heart and have me as His.