The Morning

Every morning, the sun comes up. I don't stay up at night wondering if the next day the sun will rise, it simply does. I trust that the sun will rise every single day. I don't even think about it, because it just is one of those facts of life. I'm pretty sure you don't wonder about the sun coming up every day either (unless you live in Alaska, then tough luck to you).

"Come close, listen to the story. About a love more faithful than the morning."-True Love by Phil Wickham

When I worked at camp last summer, I would wake up at 5 am just about everyday. It was early enough to see the sun just starting to peak through the trees as I walked to the bathroom to take a hot shower before the hot water ran out. It was one of my favorite moments of the day. The quiet of the morning. The light dew on the grass. There is something beautiful about the morning. 

"The Father gave his only Son just to save us."

I can't imagine giving up someone I love to save a bunch of people who will turn on me. That is exactly what God did for us. All because He loves us. His love is so strong that is cannot even be grasped by us completely. We are meant to be in awe of our Creator. 

I love the lyrics to Phil Wickham's True Love. God's love is more faithful than the sun-rising. This is incredible! I am such a weak follower because I often find myself doubting God, His promises, and what He is doing in me. But His promises are real and His love is more constant then the sun-rising. When I feel shaky and like my world is out of my control, I remember God is bigger, God is stronger, and He is way more suited to be in control then I. In the morning, I wake up, see the sun, and realize God is more faithful than that.

"We were free and made alive, the day the true love died, the day that true love died."

P.S. you should listen to the whole song. It's amazing.

Answers to the Questioning

I don't even have the words to express the injustice. The frustration I feel with the world around me. The hopeless of the world and things never really changing.

The unexpected has happened and caused another set back in my life. This is starting to become the norm. It isn't fair. I don't deserve this. I simply wanted to further myself for my own future. But you won't even let me do that. You denied me. I know this is personal. There is no way this was not an intentional decision to keep me away. WHY? What is so wrong that I'm considered to be such a black sheep? I don't understand.

I'm searching for answers to questions that will never know the truth.

I came here for a fresh start. And now I don't even have that. You soiled my name, without my choice in the matter. You left me without choices, without a voice. I take whatever power you took from me and I'm reclaiming it. You do not own me. I'm searching and praying to God that there is more to this. I know He is bigger than this.

And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
What can stand against?

Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God… 

 

The worst part, that I can't seem to get past is that these people are Christians. They are believers. It is simply not okay to treat another this way. This is not Godly. God is no pleased. You are not making a difference or an impact for His kingdom. 

Road Marks

Its a safe assumption that I drive. Sometimes a lot, sometimes not at all. Over Father's Day weekend, I drove to Washington to spend it with Evan and his family. That drive has become one of my favorites. It's stunningly beautiful. Nothing but the winding road in front of me, blasting tunes and singing along. I like it. 

And I realized as I was driving south to head home, there is something very comforting about familiar road marks.Maybe it's the memories I have driving that stretch of road, maybe it's the beauty I see all around me, or maybe it's just the comfort of the open road. Whatever it is, it's comfortable to me.

The smell of the mills in Southwest Washington, the sign saying "Twilight location here", the last _____ before the border of Oregon/Washington, the places passed along the way that stir comfort and excitement in my heart, the beauty of the green surrounding me, the outlets, and so much more.

Impatience and Discouragement

I'm growing incredibly impatient as I witness what seems like everyone around me getting engaged and married. Why can't someone just like it and put on a ring on it?

I feel this uncomfortableness growing inside me that I will never be enough and no one is ever going to want me that way. Ugh.

I feel like normal life events that happen for everyone else won't happen for me.

I'm discouraged.

I used to

I used to be a dancer. I used to be a good dancer, some would say. I've been realizing more and more how much I miss being in dance. I used to be in classes for hours every day, all week long. I'd be dancing at school, dancing after school. I was extremely busy and dedicated to the art. And most of all, I loved it. Dance made me feel alive.

When I was a senior in high school, I even danced at my church in the worship dance ministry. I loved being a part of this ministry. We would meet together once a week, learn more choreography, and spend time praying and immersed in the word together. I'm longing to start something like that at a church up here. I'm in this video, and I even choreographed some of it.

 My love for dance has always been there. But I didn't start taking classes until long after I quit gymnastics. But, I spent summer dance dancing with my friends, choreographing dances and preforming them. I had no shame. No fear.

I signed up for a dance class in high school and I was hooked. I loved it, and I took dance every year of high school after that. While taking classes at school, I got frustrated with myself. I had trouble with my memory, with choreography, with auditioning, with technique. Some days, I would walk out of the class. I made it into a personal failure, although it wasn't.

My senior year, I finally was able to be in a dance class outside of school because I could drive myself. So I signed up for classes two days a week at one studio, and two days a week at another studio. (I drove a lot). Beginning classes were too easy. But the level of my age group was difficult, and I felt myself being embarrassed or NOT good enough.

I was torn. Do I give up dance? or Do I continue to feel insecure and unable to succeed in classes?

With the help of my major dancer friend, Angela, I kept taking classes in the summer. The feelings didn't go away. When I miss dance, I watch people preform, longing to be one of them. I used to be great. But I need more training, more help. But at my age, they don't offer it.

Angela and I as seniors in high school after Winter Formal

I long to be on pointe one day. Or at least a beautiful skilled dancer, again. 

 The barre is one of the most beautiful and raw places to me

 Angela and I, TuTus and all

 Twin Day: Wearing Legwarmers, OF COURSE

I won't let my fear of failure hold me back. I want to dance. Again.

DIY

I'm sure this is not the first DIY project I have taken on, but it is the first I have done completely myself and I'm really excited about it! I'm trying to work on my apartment to make it home, and I'm really excited about this.

Before: found for $2 in the TJ Maxx Clearance section.

After: A little paint and some buttons later...

And of course, the finished product with some pictures in it:

It isn't on the wall yet, and I'll show you soon how the rest of my apartment is turning out. I'm really excited about how cute this turned out.

Feathers

Since I've seen this fad, I've become obsessed with getting feathers. And while I was in California, I finally got some. :) Along with feathers, I've started to wear my hair naturally too. It has some sorta wave to it.

(picture courtesy of my iphone)

I'm eying other feathers to get in my hair. I'm loving this. And I wear reading glasses these days. Thoughts?

Can't.

You can't make peace with someone who has war in their heart. -Unknown

Restless for where I belong

Living in the Northwest sometimes gets to me. I love it, but sometimes the weather makes me have "ehh" moods. Since I've been back, I've been in a funk. Today it is actually sunny, so I fully intend to get outside and enjoy some Vitamin D.

A song I've heard a million times before spoke to me today. Isn't that just always how it works?

Safe by Phil Wickham

To the one who's dreams are falling all apart
And all you're left with is a tired and broken heart
I can tell by your eyes you think your on your own
but you're not all alone

Have you heard of the One who can calm the raging seas
Give sight to the blind, pull the lame up to their feet
With a love so strong he'll never let you go
oh you're not alone

You will be safe in His arms
You will be safe in His arms
'Cause the hands that hold the world are holding your heart
This is the promise He made
He will be with You always
When everything is falling apart
You will be safe in His arms

Did you know that the voice that brings the dead to life
Is the very same voice that calls you to rise
So hear Him now He's calling you home
You will never be alone

These are the hands that built the mountains
the hands that calm the seas
These are the arms that hold the heavens
they are holding you and me

These are hands that healed the leper
Pulled the lame up to their feet
These are the arms that were nailed to a cross
to break our chains and set us free

 How incredibly beautiful is this? We are not alone. Even when we feel completely alone, we are NOT. God calms raging seas and heals blind so they can see, this is amazing! This song is so comforting to me. 

The other comfort I had today was a line in Heaven Song, also by Phil Wickham.

"My soul is getting restless for the place where I belong. I can't wait to join the angels and sing my heaven song."

Lately, I've really tried to find a place where I feel comfortable. I feel like I've been searching. I am trying to find something useful to do with my summer. It kills me not to be able to work at a camp this summer, especially Canby Grove. A  year ago today, I walked onto camp grounds for the first time. I was scared, nervous, and really excited. I didn't know how much my life was going to change. And it did.

I met the love of my life at that camp. I brought kids to Christ for the first time. I enjoyed true and beautiful community with the staff who became my family. I did things to get me outside my shell that I would NEVER have done. I wore chacos. I used duct tape. I sat in a dunk tank and got dunked, again and again. I lead activities. I swam every single day (no matter how cold it was). I chewed up M&Ms and spit them out at campers. I tubed down a river...with a tube and without one. I saw the love of God first hand touch people. I used a ho. I got blisters on my hands. I sang silly camp songs. I laughed. I grew. I blossomed. I found true joy. I appreciated beauty. I danced. I was in skits. I screamed my heart out. I raced kids in bounce houses. I blew bubbles. I caught bubbles. I had many smores, sandwiches, air heads, pizza, and apples. I cried. I was frustrated. I leaned on God. I trusted God. I had difficult campers. I had amazing campers. I worked very closely with hay and had an allergic reaction to it. I worshiped. I built a sling shot course. I had zillions of ants attack. I got called Nala. And sometimes Goldielocks. I slept outside without a tent. I put oatmeal in my hair, paint all over my body, and whipped cream and Cheetos on my face. I dug in the dirt. I enjoyed digging in the dirt. I caught a fish. I gave kids bait. I shot a gun. I watched the stars. I woke up at 5 in the morning, everyday. I had sleepless nights. I had great conversations. Sonic runs. Sunflower seeds. I had the time of my life. 

I belong in ministry. I thrive in ministry.

Beauty. Traveling. Oxymoron?

Sorry to my few followers who have been looking for something from me lately. I have too many thoughts to make them public on my blog, so please excuse my absence.

On the plane home to California, I wrote this.

I'm on an airplane. This is beautiful. Watching the sunset from above the clouds. Love it. The chatter of busy people all around me. The screams of children, the quiet calm words of loving parents. The hum of the plane. the therapeutic writing I've done this flight. I'm really ready to let go. That's how it always works. You live, you learn, you let go. I feel like God is always asking me to let go of something. My Father wants nothing to keep me from him and his love. Beauty.

My time at home in California was wonderful. I loved seeing my family (Mom, Dad, Brother, and his wife). It's been a long time. I guess it hasn't been that long, but I've been really missing them. Thursday night when I first got in, I went over to my friend Angela's house and we watched So You Think You Can Dance, just like old times. I love how when life changes all around you, some things stay the same. :) 

My parents have been remodeling the house, so it was cool to come back and see how different it was! It looks great and almost like a completely different house! It was lovely to see the California sun. I don't see the sun much in the rainy state of Oregon. I love it though. On Sunday, I attended a wedding of a long time family friend. It was very beautiful. It still amazes me how fast the time went by while I was there. I also got to share some yummy recipes I love with my family. I greatly enjoyed cooking for people! I've gotten very used to cooking for one.

Monday afternoon eventually came, although I had been dreading it. Both of my parents drove me to the airport. What a treat that was! We shared heartfelt goodbyes and kind words. I really miss them. I am blessed with such a great relationship with my parents. In the airport, I was incredibly early for my flight, but I made from friends with two other OSU students flying back. 

I absolutely loved my drive back from the Portland Airport.

This was my view coming back from the Airport. I was almost shocked how green Oregon was. Silly of me. I love the Northwest. I love my home. I enjoyed listening to Gungor while I drove (You should listen to them, AMAZING). Very soon, I was greeted with the greatest comfort of all for a North westerner.

It was a good drive. :)