Lately, the weather has been really bipolar. One day it's rainy and wet, the next it's warm and sunny. I guess that's just Oregon for you. It makes me want summer so badly!
I want...
to lay in the grass
to lay in and by the pool
to go tubing
to have bbq's
to go hiking at the falls
to wear my chacos and get another awesome chaco tan
to eat yummy fruit and my favorite, strawberries
to be barefoot
to go to the Oregon Coast
to wear sundresses
to go camping
to make and wear pretty string bracelets
drink yummy blended drinks from Dutch Bros
to go to parks and be outside with my sweetie
oh, and so so much more! I cannot wait for summer! I've always loved summer. Summer is always so carefree, so fun, so joyful. Summer is a season where I feel like I can truly enjoy company and enjoy life. I'm so stoked for this summer.
I'm not the bridge burning kind, but you leave me no choice.
"There comes a time in your life when you have to stand up and shout, "This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love. I am a whole, complete package. Take me... or leave me. Accept me... or walk away. Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I don't fit your idea of who I should be and don't try to change me to fit your mold. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision. When you are strong enough to love yourself 100%, good and bad - you will be amazed at the opportunities life presents you."
I remember when I was first given the name Nala. I took the longest to name out of the whole staff. The staff shouted out name after name for me, but none of them felt like me, until Nala. I have always loved the Lion King and when I was a little girl, I named one of my dolls Nala. I knew it was going to be my name. I loved it.
For the rest of summer 2010, I was Nala. And I was so happy about it. I never knew that name would grow to be something I identified with. During the summer I spent at Canby Grove, I felt incredibly alive. I had dreamed of being a camp counselor for as long as I can remember. And I was living my dream, finally. I had applied for years to work as one, and I had finally been selected.
My relationship with God was the best it has ever been. I was consistent in spending time with God daily and I was experiencing real Joy. For the summer, the staff each picked a word that we felt was something to lay down to God and to be this summer. I picked joy. I naturally struggle with being a happy person and so experiencing true joy was amazing.
As the summer went on, I was amazed at how God was using me. I was embracing and enjoying how the staff was bonding and how close we all were. It is rare for me to feel so accepted and loved in a community, but I did.
The name Nala brings joy to my heart. I associate the name with a time of my life where I was me. I wasn't hiding or running. I was simply ME. There's nothing more beautiful than diligently following God and being content with the person he created you to be.
I was talking to a friend about how frustrated I was with how things had become. She told me, "maybe it's time to surrender that relationship to God." Wow, she was so right. During the lent season, I went to church and heard the pastor speak about what He had given up for lent. They even had people come up and share testimonies of what they had given up and how it has helped their relationship with God. Originally, I wanted to give up facebook and using my computer for anything other than school. Then lent started, and I didn't. A couple weeks into it, I decided to give up. It sounds kinda silly to give up "trying" for lent, but that's what I needed to do. I gave up the past, old friendships, how things used to be, etc etc.
This step is something I am so glad I did. I am finally embracing the place I am, making new friends, growing, and becoming amerced in a new community. I'm happy here.
One of my favorite David Crowder songs, "Foreverandever" has this line that I LOVE:
Letting go gives a better grip
I'm finding everything I'll ever need
By giving up gaining everything
Sometimes I'm still shocked that I'm a student at Oregon State University. I go to a big University with 22,000 students. A majority of my life, I have attended private, Christian schools with small classes, and a first name (and much more) basis with everyone. I'm really enjoying the freedom of walking around and not seeing everyone I know and keeping my business to myself. I'm able to focus on school so much more. I'm still involved with people and growing, but it isn't my focus anymore.
Not to mention, the campus is absolutely stunning. Every time of year, the colors are vivid and the brick buildings make me smile. Even on a rainy, wet day (which is very very often) the campus and community make my heart happy.
I am one of the most stubborn people on the planet, I swear. Before I went to OSU, I was being so stubborn and I wouldn't admit what a great school it was. Well Mom and Dad, YOU WERE RIGHT.
I'm getting more and more involved in my college group, 2fourtytwo, and I love it so much. I love Oregon State University. I'm a little bit excited that I have a few more years of college to go because I can stay in this place longer. :)
-I got to class like 2 minutes late. The class is held in a huge auditorium with like 450 students. I tried to ask this girl if I could sit next to her and she couldn't hear me but she was just staring at me. So awkward!
-After class, I was walking pretty fast (my normal speed) back to my car. This guy walks up next to me and tells me what a fast walker I am. He goes on about how I should join some fast walking club. He just kept talking about it. I've never seen or met this guy in my life!
-At Trader Joes these guys who were shopping kept looking at me. I would turn into an isle, and there they would be. Then I would move to another isle, and there they were.
-When I was checking out at Trader Joes, my cashier was talking about something really random, but I couldn't really hear her, so I just smiled and nodded.
I think I'm ganna leave it at that for now. If you have any awkward or awesome moments, please tell me. I'd love to hear them. :)
You know those moments where you've heard words a million times before, but suddenly they affect you deeply and make you feel refreshed like a drink of water on a hot day? I experienced that tonight.
First of all, I have a love for David Crowder's music that isn't even explainable. But this song we re-introduced to me tonight and I am so glad!
Deliver Me by David Crowder
Deliver me out of the sadness
Deliver me from all the madness
Deliver me courage to guide me
Deliver me Your strength inside me
All of my life
I've been in hiding
Wishing there was someone just like You
Now that You're here
Now that I've found You
I know that You're the One to pull me through
Deliver me loving and caring
Deliver me giving and sharing
Deliver me this cross that I'm bearing
Oh, deliver me
Jesus, Jesus how I trust You
How I've proved You o'er and o'er
Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus
Deliver me
Come and pull me through
Come pull me through
I hope you have a reminder of God's faithfulness, love, and ability to be greater and bigger than anything we are facing on this earth.
I've had it with Christians pretending and thinking they are better than everyone else. Everyone is a sinner. Jesus died for everyone. And all sins are equal-from murder to a white lie.
Romans 3:23, "...for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God"
I believe in God, but I am tired of associating with people like this. There are real problems in the world and you are hung up on who said what, who did what, and blah blah blah. That is not our purpose. That is not why we are on the earth.
"I like your Christ, I do not like you Christians. You Christians are so unlike your Christ." -Mahatma Gandhi
Stop being judgmental. Stop gossiping. Act like Christ. After all, Christ-ians should be Christ followers. How are we ever going to save the world for God's glory if we aren't imitating Christ?
I'm stuck. I'm stuck between my dream to be a wife and to have a family and the reality I see all around me. I see divorce. And not just in the world. I see divorce in the church. Everywhere. I pray about this often. But I wonder why even try to get married and fight for something that has a 50% chance of ending? I don't want to be another statistic. I refuse to be another statistic. That is not what God intended. Marriage is supposed to be beautiful and to be honored.
I was listening to a Portland radio program the other day about gay marriage. Evan actually called in and shared his voice on the subject. The argument with gay marriage is often "to protect the sanctity of marriage." I would take that argument IF people actually argued marriage. However, the 50% divorce rate shows otherwise.
So again, I find myself stuck. Do I fight for my future, the God given dream to be married or do I find another way to live my life?
I was driving home from Washington today and I heard Beloved by Tenth Avenue North come on my Ipod. I've heard this song numerous times before, but this time it really touched me. I am God's beloved. I am dearly loved and chosen by Him. Just the thought warms my heart deeply. I encourage you to listen to it. And if you do, please tell me your response! Here are the lyrics:
Beloved by Tenth Avenue North
Love of my life
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need
Give me your life
Lust and the lies
The past you're afraid I might see
You've been running away from me
You're my beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
It binds you to me
It's a mystery
Love of my life
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need
I'm the giver of life
I'll clothe you in white
My immaculate bride you will be
Oh come running home to me yeah *now*
You're my beloved
Lover I'm yours
and Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
and it binds you to me yea now now
Well you've been a mistress, my wife
Chasing lovers it won't satisfy
Won't you let me make you my bride
You will drink of my lips
And**taste new life
You're my beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
it binds you to me
You're my beloved
Forever we'll be
Our love it unites us
And it binds you to me
It's a mystery
