December 30, 2011

This world is big

It's big and beautiful. And I want to explore it.

And I will. I feel like there is a spring in my step. A giggle hidden under my tongue. A whisper stirring with something great just around the corner. I don't havea  fear in the world. I want adventure. And I know it's coming. Because life is beautiful and it is good.

December 29, 2011

A little of this, a little of that

When the term was over, a few of my friends and I who were left in Corvallis went out to the Peacock.
Aubrey, Nakalan, me, Rose, and Janae
Me, Rose, and Janae
Listening to Rose Karaoke!

Yummy Red Drinks with a little jello with Nae.

Then while I was in San Jose, I got to spend some time with some lovely friends from high school.
Us in High School. What BABIES we were! 
Me, John, and Angela (classic foot-pop of course!)   

Connor, Me, John, and Angela all grown up and older. 
Angela and I having Pizza at Z-Pizza in Mountain View
 So weird, but I'm thankful these people are still in my life. It was good to catch up with them, remissness a little, and just spend some time with good people laughing our brains out playing telephone pictionary.

Mary, Feathers, and Opportunities

Yes, so I'm a little behind in terms of the timing of this post. Forgive me. A couple of days ago, I was reading in Luke. The story of how Mary was told about her son, Jesus, is absolutely beautiful to me. It sounds crazy! A virgin foretold to give birth to the Son of God? Um, okay. But really! And it happened, in the most beautiful way imaginable.
In the sixth month of Elizabeth’s pregnancy, God sent the angel Gabriel to Nazareth, a town in Galilee, to a virgin pledged to be married to a man named Joseph, a descendant of David. The virgin’s name was Mary. The angel went to her and said, “Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you.” Mary was greatly troubled at his words and wondered what kind of greeting this might be. But the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary; you have found favor with God. You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you are to call him Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over Jacob’s descendants forever; his kingdom will never end.”
 “How will this be,” Mary asked the angel, “since I am a virgin?”
 The angel answered, “The Holy Spirit will come on you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the holy one to be born will be called the Son of God. Even Elizabeth your relative is going to have a child in her old age, and she who was said to be unable to conceive is in her sixth month. For no word from God will ever fail.”“I am the Lord’s servant,” Mary answered. “May your word to me be fulfilled.” Then the angel left her. 
Luke 1:29-38
The passage goes on to talk about how Mary goes to tell her cousin, Elizabeth, what the Lord has showed her. Can you imagine what an odd situation that would be? The faith Mary and Elizabeth had to have had! Then at my church, Pastor Seth talked about Mary. WOW. Then my blogger friend, Molly blogged about Mary, too! I love when God works out things that way. :)
This verse really stuck out to me. 
"Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished" Luke 1:45

Then I was watching tv casually at my parents house when Evan Almighty came on. One of those movies you've seen a few times, but you watch it anyway. So this video clip came on, and it just really spoke to me. 

One of my great friends from Canby Grove, Shock (or Keith) had an experience with God during our beach retreat. He was surrounded by feathers on the beach, which represented opportunities. To this day, everytime I see a feather, I see an opportunity. But the reality is, every moment of every day is an opportunity. 
I choose to take it.

December 22, 2011

Fall Term in Pictures

I've been seriously lacking in posting pictures on here, so I'm making up for it!

First football game of the year!

3-1 Crew. Love these people.
Just hitting town-the 21 life.
David Crowder and Gungor with my best friend!
It isn't fall without a little football...or a lot
Country Dancing! (my new fav activity)
The first of many road trips with Janae
Peppermint hot coco with my best friend Emily!
Me and my Dad with Janae and her Dad on Dad's weekend at OSU
OSU Football game with my dad
GO BEAVS! (we actually won this game!)
Western Wednesday with Janae
Me, Rose, and Janae at the Peacock
"star-gazing" with the gang
Janae and I with our "long" jump onto frozen ground
OSU professional Dad's weekend pic with both my parents

December 21, 2011

In flight

On Saturday, I got up early and made the drive to my dear friend Emily's house, where I parked my car and got a ride to Portland Airport. Then I waited in lines, went through security, and found my gate. I read about 1/4 of Captivating while waiting in the airport. (such a great book by the way!) Then I landed in Las Vegas, NV and had a bit of a layover. I then read more of Captivating. I boarded my next plane and sat next to the most precious Grandma ever.

Her name was Diana. She went on and on about her grandchildren and how proud she is of them. Through talking, we found out we were both believers. We went on to talk about faith and how too many Christians and people within the church get so bent up on differences of beliefs, when all that matters is believing in the Son. I went on to tell her what I'm studying in school and what I hope to do with it. She must have been an angel, if not, God definately used her as some encouragement. She told me that she can just tell from my spirit that God is going to use me and I am going to make a big impact with my future career. That was so heart-warming and it really meant a lot to me! In the end, that is my desire. To be used by God. So funny how little tiny things like that stay with you.

While on the plane, I also got to see the sun setting from above the clouds. The sky was a masterpiece of beautiful and rich reds, oranges, and yellows. God is so amazing.

December 14, 2011

What Hurts the Most

What Hurts The Most lyrics
by Rascal Flatts

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let ?em out

I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while even though
Goin' on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay
But that's not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' it
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still harder gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And havin' so much to say
(Much to say)
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do, oh
Oh yeah

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
(To say)
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do

Not seein' that lovin' you
That's what I was trying to do, ooo

December 4, 2011

He is only an 8th grader...

I stumbled upon this video because a few of my friends have been posting it on facebook. Please watch it with an open mind. My heart really goes out to this kid.

This kid is only in 8th grade. He says he started cutting himself in 2nd grade. 2nd?! That breaks my heart. It makes me wonder how many of the kids I counseled at camp in 2010 were really really hurting and I didn't know. I tend to think kids are kids and that they are happy. But this video shows how wrong I was. Now, I'm not saying every kid is like this guy. But this is devastating to watch.

Life shouldn't be like this.


If you know me, you know I ask why for just about everything. My friends joke that I never grew out of that three-year-old phase where you ask why for everything. I like to understand how things work, why they are the way they are, and what not. I guess that is why I ask why for every question under the sun.
Today in church, Pastor Seth talked about the Greatness of God. One key he pointed out at the end of his message really stuck out to me. He was talking about how when people are really suffering, others tend to say things like, "God is in control" or "this is just a part of God's plan." And while God being in control is true,  that doesn't make pain any less painful. God is in control, but that doesn't mean that God desires everything that happens. It does mean, however, that God can work redempitvely through every single situation. No matter what happens, God is bigger. Seth then opened up to the Word to show the cries of some believers truely truely suffering with what God is doing.

"My soul is in anguish. How long, O LORD, how long?" Psalm 6:3

"How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen? Or cry out to you, 'Violence!' but you do not save?" Habbakuk 1:2

These verses show the question believers should ask God is, "how long?" instead of why. I can honestly say I have asked God why things are happening to me, why I'm facing this, etc etc. But within the past two years, I have grown enough to trust in my Father that I haven't asked that question. I always had enough faith and knowedge of God's character to be able to see past my own pain to know God was up to something I could not understand. Just like children trust their parents, I trust my Father.
The thing I find most interesting is that I ask almost all my friends why, why why. But, within the midst of my struggles, I have never asked God why. I fully believe my Father has my back and I trust Him to pull me through. I trust that He is for my good. I trust that this is temporary. I also believe my trust comes directly from knowing the character of God. Since September 1st, when my life shattered apart as I knew it, I have made a point to spend time with God every single day. I desire to know Him. And the more time I spend with Him, the more I love him. The more I want him.

November 29, 2011


I love music. It is so beautiful and it has the power to speak beautifully to life: the joys, the trials, the excitements, everything. 
 My new obsession: Matt Hammitt 
Seriously, so good. His song, "All of Me" has been on the radio a lot, so I searched him on Itunes. Then I found a playlist on youtube. I am IN LOVE. Seriously. These songs speak to my heart so much.

When I'm at the end of my rope and I feel despair, God reaches in, pulls me out, and reminds me of His goodness and love for me. Beautiful. I don't deserve this love, yet it is given to me every. single. day. Comfort at it's finest from my Father.

November 10, 2011

Penn State Forever

Old Main on Penn State University Campus
I was born in State College, PA. Home of Pennsylvania State Univeristy. This place is my home. I cannot even describe the influence this place has had on me and my family. It has been and always will be a very special place for us. Until recently, this place had a clean name, a spotless reputation, and a loving community.
My Family: Dan, me, my Mom, Dad, and Stasia in front At Penn State in 2007 for homecoming
I want to say, first of all, I do not support the actions of Sandusky, or those who knew of the abuse and the way actions were taken by those involved. I believe abuse is wrong and I do not support the way this situation was handled. My prayers and thoughts go out to those who were affect by this abuse. However, I cannot deny my love, support, and appreciation for Penn State, Joe Paterno, and everything this school stands for and is.

I do not feel Joe Paterno should end his legacy at Penn State in this way. I believe it is dishonoring and tarnishes his great name and all the accplishments he has done for Penn State and the community. I understand that precauctions need to be taken, but this happend 15 years ago. Punishing someone for something that happened so long ago that was mostly out of their control seems unfair to me.

This story hits very close to home and is very upsetting to me. I have difficulty even finding the right words to express how I feel. When I heard about this scandal, I was embarassed. I was sad that something so awful could come out of such an amazing place. It shows me once again the world is just the world, and it is not my home. When I heard Joe Paterno was being pulled into this, I was mad. I didn't feel like his name should be dragged through the mud. Then when I heard that Joe Paterno had put in his resignation, I cried. Literally, burst into tears. I called my mom. There was no explination, except I was mourning one of the greatest men ever to coach football. I felt like my world has been shattered and someone had died. Of course, no one has died, but it was still a painful experience for me. I cannot imagine Penn State without JoPa. This morning, I found out Joe was fired. He will not be finishing the season. I looked up what news I could find before going to class, and I found out there are all sorts of protests going on around State College. This situation is turning into chaos.

"Out of Chaos, life is being found in you"-Beautiful Things by Gungor

I am praying for every single person involved in this situation. I can only imagine if this is affecting me this way, how it must be affecting others. Here is what I ask: think before you speak about what is going on at Penn State. This place means the world to many many people.

Penn State Fight Song: Fight on State
Fight on State (GO!)
Fight on State (GO!)
Strike your gait and win, (LET’S GO STATE!)
Victory we predict for thee
We’re ever true to you, dear old White and Blue.
Onward State, (GO!)
Onward State, (GO!)
Roar, Lions, roar: (LET’S GO STATE!)
We’ll hit that line, roll up the score,
Fight on to victory ever more,
Fight on, on, on, on, on, Fight on, on, Penn State! (S-T-A-T-E GO! STATE!)

Despite this situation, Penn State will fight on. 

November 9, 2011

Overflow of pen to paper and a dapple of truth

I used to be really awkward. Okay, who am I kidding? I never grew out of that. When I was in Junior High or early high school years (it has all kind of blurred together now), I wrote a lot. And I mean a lot. Journals and journals full of poems, song lyrics, etc etc. I even was in a girl band for a little while. And I thought I was pretty fly. I loved to write. It was the way I vented.
As I've gotten older, I've found new releases. Cooking, crafting, shopping. More adult things, I guess. But last night while listening to Lady Antebellum (my new favorite), I was given a burst to write again. And I did. I wrote a poem that I am actually very proud of. It is called Not This Way. It's a story written in very short lines about losing someone in a way you never imagined it would happen.

So, in light of this post, here is my truth. I'm single. I have been for a little while now. I did something incredably awful and lost the love of my life. Don't feel sorry for me, I don't want pitty. I take full responsibility for what I did. This whole experience has really opened my eyes. I have not been living the way I want to. I have not been a good person. I've contacted person after person I feel deserves apologies from me. Some were recieved, some not even answered. I'm okay with that.

God is convicting me, growing me, and changing me. And despite what I have lost in this life, I know my reward will be in Heaven. I know my Savior went to the pits of the earth to save my soul. I know everything I have lost in this life is really a gain for Christ. I believe God is good despite where I stand. I believe God is for my good and will fight for me. The Psalms are beautiful. And they reflect my heart and desire to fully follow the Lord. Everything else is meaningless to me.

November 8, 2011

The times they are a'changing

About a year ago, I found myself moved back into my parents house in California. I had felt like a failure. I left school. I was a drop out. I was pretty much at bottom and I had no where to go but up. My dad kept bring up Oregon State. I liked the idea of returning to the Northwest, the place I now recognized as home. And Corvallis was merely 40 minutes away from where I previously attended school. Attending a state school however, I was not sure I wanted to sign myself up for that.

 I looked online and found out an OSU admissions counselor was in the bay area, less than a hour from where I lived. I hoped in the car with my mom and went to the meeting. The more I heard, the more I fell in love. But as I fell in love, the fears, the what-ifs, the questions filled my mind. I applied to OSU and was accepted. That was it. I was going to a state school, in a matter of months, or so I thought.
 Mid December, I decided to start school in January. I quickly got classes, found a place to live, and put together one small detail after another. Christmas came, and then I packed up my car and made the familiar drive north to Oregon. 
Transferring to OSU was like going from a fishbowl to an ocean. And I loved everything about it. Suddenly the world was mine. I was surrounded by new opportunities, different perspectives, so many differently types of people and activities.  Since coming here, I've tried kayaking, feminist protests, country line dancing, going to a bar, campus activism, a real house party, huge college groups, mudding, and so many more things that I can't think of right now.

Lately, I am amazed at the way things change. Just a year ago, I was in such a different place. Close with different people. Eating different food. One of the biggest changes I am grateful for is no longer living in fear. When I first left Corban, I had no idea what to do. I could have very-well bummed around, but my parents stood by my side and made sure I did not do that. I very quickly got back on my feet. It took about a year to stop living in those fears, but I am so thankful I have given control to the One who deserves to take the wheel in the first place.

November 1, 2011

The calm of the Storm

This morning I was very frazzled. I woke up at 10:45 with my friend Janae for our 11 am midterm. We frantically gathered some stuff, brushed our teeth, threw our hair into some ponies and jumped in th car. We got to campus, and threw some quarters in the meter and ran to class. Yes, with shame, we were those people running to class.
We got in the 400 student class, walked to the front, got our scan-trons, found a seat and started the exam. Relief. We made it.

After finishing my exam, I walked back to my car. I had some time to kill before I had to pick Janae up, so I decided to read my bible and pray a bit. I read some of Ephesians, Philippians, and Psalms. Psalm 107 stuck out to me the most, so I wanted to share it with you as it calmed my soul and set me back on my foundation.

Psalm 107

  Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good;
   his love endures forever.
  Let the redeemed of the LORD tell their story—
   those he redeemed from the hand of the foe,
those he gathered from the lands,
   from east and west, from north and south.
  Some wandered in desert wastelands,
   finding no way to a city where they could settle.
They were hungry and thirsty,
   and their lives ebbed away.
Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble,
   and he delivered them from their distress.
 He led them by a straight way
   to a city where they could settle.
 Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love
   and his wonderful deeds for mankind,
for he satisfies the thirsty
   and fills the hungry with good things.
  Some sat in darkness, in utter darkness,
   prisoners suffering in iron chains,
because they rebelled against God’s commands 
and despised the plans of the Most High.
 So he subjected them to bitter labor;
   they stumbled, and there was no one to help.
 Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble, 
and he saved them from their distress.
He brought them out of darkness, the utter darkness, 
and broke away their chains.
 Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love
   and his wonderful deeds for mankind,
for he breaks down gates of bronze
 and cuts through bars of iron
 Some became fools through their rebellious ways
   and suffered affliction because of their iniquities.  
They loathed all food
   and drew near the gates of death.
 Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble,
   and he saved them from their distress
 He sent out his word and healed them;
   he rescued them from the grave.
 Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love
   and his wonderful deeds for mankind.
 Let them sacrifice thank offerings
   and tell of his works with songs of joy.
  Some went out on the sea in ships;
   they were merchants on the mighty waters.
 They saw the works of the LORD,
   his wonderful deeds in the deep.
For he spoke and stirred up a tempest
   that lifted high the waves.
 They mounted up to the heavens and went down to the depths;
   in their peril their courage melted away.
 They reeled and staggered like drunkards;
   they were at their wits’ end.
 Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble,
   and he brought them out of their distress
He stilled the storm to a whisper;
   the waves of the sea were hushed.
They were glad when it grew calm,
   and he guided them to their desired haven.

 Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love
   and his wonderful deeds for mankind.
Let them exalt him in the assembly of the people
   and praise him in the council of the elders.
  He turned rivers into a desert,
   flowing springs into thirsty ground,
and fruitful land into a salt waste,
   because of the wickedness of those who lived there.
 He turned the desert into pools of water
   and the parched ground into flowing springs;
there he brought the hungry to live,
   and they founded a city where they could settle.
They sowed fields and planted vineyards
   that yielded a fruitful harvest;
 he blessed them, and their numbers greatly increased,
   and he did not let their herds diminish.
  Then their numbers decreased, and they were humbled
   by oppression, calamity and sorrow;
 he who pours contempt on nobles
   made them wander in a trackless waste.
 But he lifted the needy out of their affliction
   and increased their families like flocks.
 The upright see and rejoice,
   but all the wicked shut their mouths.
  Let the one who is wise heed these things
   and ponder the loving deeds of the LORD. 

The biggest thing that sticks out to me in this chapter is how it shows when we wander away from God, we are in pain, darkness, and despair, but when we return to him, he forgives us, and makes us new over and over and over again. It says repeatedly "they cried out to the Lord, and he saved them from their distress." This is something I have recently felt the weight of and relief from in my own life. Since I left Corban, I have lived my life in fear of what could happen to me. I stopped trusting my Creator to take care of me and I became so fearfully that I shriveled up like a raisin. I got to a point where I became okay with my sin and I let it rule me. When I hit bottom, I cried out to God, and He came to my rescue, just like this passage explains. 

God seriously amazes me so much right now. I serve a mighty, powerful, and loving Creator who would go to the ends of the earth just to search my heart and have me as His. 

October 27, 2011

It's a crazy life, but it's a good one

I have so much to say, I literally don't even know where to begin. I don't even know the words. Today is a absolutely beautiful day. I love the fall. I mean, seriously? Doesn't everyone love fall? Pretty much everyone is blogging about it. No joke. The leaves are pretty pretty colors of yellows, reds, oranges and some green beauties still peaking through. Thank you sweet Jesus.

Today, Janae and I got some dutch bros, headed downtown and took tons of fun pictures, played in leaf piles, laughed, giggled, and just enjoyed the beauty of this weather. Pictures to come. You'll love them, promise. 

This weekend I made a pretty banner that reads, "Be Thankful" which hangs over my kitchen window.
And honestly, that is how I feel. I feel so thankful and joyful to be in the place of life I am. I have unanswered questions, but I have a God who comforts me and how is bigger than all of my questioning.

God is seriously amazing me like crazy right now. I wear a ring on my hand which says, "Transformed by Jesus Christ Romans 12:2" and I finally feel joy wearing it. I feel like God is transforming me more and more every day into who He has made me to be, into His child. Patterns from my past are being broken. Prayers are being answered. Comfort is being received. God is blowing me away. He is seriously so amazing. Ah. I am so in love with my Creator. I am so blessed and have so much to be thankful for. :)

October 17, 2011

Fall. Football. Friends.

This weekend was yet another Beaver Football game. I went with my friend Janae. Here is the day in pictures. 
Accidental twins for the football game
Beautiful Fall day in Corvallis
Good Friend, Good Football game, Good Day 
Go Beavs!

Cheering for my Beavers!
I love football. I love Oregon State. I love my Beavers. I love fall. Sadly, we lost. But we played a great game against BYU.

And speaking of fall, today was such a beautiful day. It was in the high 60's and sunny, which is a BIG deal in Oregon. I didn't work today, so I decided to go for a walk, get some vitamin D, enjoy the warm sunshine, listen to my ipod, and enjoy the crisp fall air and crunchy leaves. 
Toms and Leaves
Beautiful Park
Got this today on campus. Said a little prayer for everyone who was given one
Sunshine. Ah, yes.

It was a great day. I have so much to be thankful for. God is giving me little blessings here and there. 
So Thankful.