I'm a failure. It isn't because I got a bad grade on a test or because I treated a friend poorly.
I'm a failure because I failed to give God my everything. God sent his son to die for me on the cross. Without Him, I wouldn't have life. This life is NOT my own. But it belongs fully to God. It is all about His will, His way.
"...if we're going to live for Christ, we have to die to ourselves: our dreams, our hopes, our futures, our wills."
I have not been allowing God into every part of my life. I have been giving him little chunks here and there, leftovers mostly. My focus has not been on Him, at all. And I want it to be. I think I'm taking a good step just by realizing I have not been doing so.
I'm struggling with this. I don't know how to rely on God in the little things. He has so richly blessed me. I don't need to rely on Him for material provision. I don't need to rely on Him for a hope. I already have that in Him, but my life is good right now. I know I owe everything good to Him, and I acknowledge that with my thankfulness. I'm stuck. And I'm trying.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm faking it. I wonder when I will be exposed for faking it.
In high school, on dance team, when I couldn't get a move just right I'd fake it til I made it. This doesn't quite work anymore...now I have to figure out how to actually do it, and I don't know how. I don't know how to be an adult. I'm just trying and miserably failing.
I look at "normal" events as things that would never happen to me. Ya know, graduation, getting married, having babies, etc etc. I don't know why I look at them that way, but I do. I just feel so out of the norm that I don't see the possibility that those things would actually be part of my life. I took a VARK learning styles assessment for one of my classes today and I realized how I have one of the hardest learning styles out there. I feel like things don't come as easily to me as they do other people. I feel like I have to go the extra mile just to do average in things. Sometimes this makes me not try. But I don't want the odds to keep me from trying, from doing my best, and searching to glorify God even in the mundane.
So again, I wonder, and I just faking my way through life? I don't want to. And I really hope I'm not.
I'm thinking of getting a new blog. My life is fully of new things: I've moved, changed my major, new clothes, new people, new year..etc etc. Get the idea? I'll keep you updated.
This is my new house!
I live here with 5 people: Matt, Misha, Deanie, Lacey, and myself. We are trying to think of a name for our house. I thought of LDS (with Mormon Missionaries), but that has been rejected, and I think we settled on the MANsion. We'll see about that one. Matt really likes it.
Here are some pictures of my life as of lately. I've been kinda busy starting school and nannying. But its a good kinda busy, and I'm really enjoying school so far this term.
Dates with my sweetheart
Epic games of Catch Phrase after 242
Last Friday was so much fun. It started with a lovely dinner made by Taylor with some really great people.
The night ended listening to Lacey tell stories of Brazil, drinks and appetizers at Block 15, and a big group of friends I am really blessed to have. (only the girls are pictured)
Also, Saturday was pretty epic. I went on a tandem ride with my sweetheart, had a little picnic in a park where we got to enjoy some us time. Then my bestie Brynn came into town and we got some beaver gear. Then, Beavers pretty much dominated (but it was close) Arizona. Great night. Great life. GREAT God.
P.S. Gungor has a new song. And it is free here! It's pretty great. God has made us spotless and that is something to celebrate.