June 12, 2011

I used to

I used to be a dancer. I used to be a good dancer, some would say. I've been realizing more and more how much I miss being in dance. I used to be in classes for hours every day, all week long. I'd be dancing at school, dancing after school. I was extremely busy and dedicated to the art. And most of all, I loved it. Dance made me feel alive.

When I was a senior in high school, I even danced at my church in the worship dance ministry. I loved being a part of this ministry. We would meet together once a week, learn more choreography, and spend time praying and immersed in the word together. I'm longing to start something like that at a church up here. I'm in this video, and I even choreographed some of it.
 My love for dance has always been there. But I didn't start taking classes until long after I quit gymnastics. But, I spent summer dance dancing with my friends, choreographing dances and preforming them. I had no shame. No fear.

I signed up for a dance class in high school and I was hooked. I loved it, and I took dance every year of high school after that. While taking classes at school, I got frustrated with myself. I had trouble with my memory, with choreography, with auditioning, with technique. Some days, I would walk out of the class. I made it into a personal failure, although it wasn't.

My senior year, I finally was able to be in a dance class outside of school because I could drive myself. So I signed up for classes two days a week at one studio, and two days a week at another studio. (I drove a lot). Beginning classes were too easy. But the level of my age group was difficult, and I felt myself being embarrassed or NOT good enough.

I was torn. Do I give up dance? or Do I continue to feel insecure and unable to succeed in classes?

With the help of my major dancer friend, Angela, I kept taking classes in the summer. The feelings didn't go away. When I miss dance, I watch people preform, longing to be one of them. I used to be great. But I need more training, more help. But at my age, they don't offer it.
Angela and I as seniors in high school after Winter Formal

I long to be on pointe one day. Or at least a beautiful skilled dancer, again. 

 The barre is one of the most beautiful and raw places to me

 Angela and I, TuTus and all
 Twin Day: Wearing Legwarmers, OF COURSE

I won't let my fear of failure hold me back. I want to dance. Again.

1 comment:

  1. Dance wants you to dance again too =)

    And for your age, it IS out there. I didn't get my serious training until after high school. You just have to find the right classes and the right teachers. Sometimes the right teachers teach a class that you aren't quite comfortable in. Maybe you'll only be able to just make it through barre by copying the person in front of you and maybe the petit allegro will be too hard and you'll just have to watch. But you will progress. If you find a teacher you really like you can take private lessons too. Even just taking one will change the way you think about dance if it's a good teacher. You can last off a private lesson for months.

    It took me a long time to truly stop caring so much about what other people thought of me in a class. Specifically in Jazz. When you step back and look around, everyone has issues. And you have to go with the right mindset. What are you there for? You are there to work. So focus on what your goal is in that moment. If people are judging you, they are insecure. If they see you incapable of doing something, they think you are a bad dancer, but that is okay. There was a time when they couldn't do that thing either. You are on a different path than they are. There is always something you feel you can't do. This is your time to explore it. If you focus on your personal exploration, you are not focused on their judgment, and you will feel fulfilled.