I was flipping through the channels tonight and my indie favorite, Garden State was on. Without even considering other options, I chose to watch it. :) If you aren't familiar with the film, it's a story of a young man who returns home after a tragedy only to find the place he once knew as home to be nothing as he remembered. The picture above is mine, and so many other people's favorite scene in the movie. Here it is:
"You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone.
You'll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I don't know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place."-Zach Braff's character, Andrew
I feel this way sometimes. There were points in my life where I had made myself a home outside of the house I grew up in. But now, it seems like I'm searching for something to resemble a home, my heart longs for it, and I've got nothing. I went to a bible study in a home the other night and it felt so refreshing to just BE in a home, a house. With nicely decorated walls, furniture, a clean house. It was beautiful and it felt wonderful.
Going back home (California) isn't really home anymore. And I've just relocated to a new town, a new living location, but I wouldn't call it home, not at all. At some point, every person experiences this in their growing-into-adult life. I feel kinda like my life is a continuous state of temporary things, but I long to just settle down. I long to have a permanent place I live. I long to be done with school, find a church and get involved, start my life and career, and of course, a family. I'm sometimes living in California, sometimes in Oregon, depending on the time of the year. Things around me are always changing, as they always will be, but can things just be for a little bit? I feel uneasy and shaken up. I want to find my place, a place where I belong.
I know God has me here for whatever reason, but WHAT IS IT?! I'm searching for why I'm here, other than for my education. I know God will satisfy my heart, my desires, and my deepest needs, but I don't feel like it. I know He is more than enough for me. But the transition between what I know and what I feel are two completely different things.
I think I should stand on top of a truck in the middle of nowhere, wearing a trash bag, in the rain (which is pretty easy in Oregon), and scream at the top of my lungs.